Hey there, Kelly here again. I’m glad you’re still reading my story.

In my last post, I told you about how my meth addiction was spiraling out of control. I lost my job and quit school, and was just staying home all day smoking meth with my boyfriend Kurt.

Who knows how long this could have continued for or what would have happened if I hadn’t gotten pregnant.

I had lost weight from doing meth (it suppresses the appetite and gives you energy, so I was hardly eating, and my clothes hung off me), but noticed a little swelling in my abdomen. Then I was throwing up every morning. I had already stopped getting my period at this point because of the rapid weight loss and other unhealthy changes to my body as a result of the meth, so I didn’t realize I was pregnant. I thought I was just sick and bloated.

Finally, after a couple of months of throwing up every morning, I took an at-home pregnancy test, not actually thinking I was pregnant but just to be sure.

I followed the directions, peed on the stick and waited. Two little pink lines appeared, clear as day. I was definitely pregnant.

Instead of overjoyed, as I once would have been at the prospect of becoming a mother, I was numb. Then I became worried and upset. I liked the idea of a baby, but didn’t want to give up meth for a pregnancy, and having a kid would seriously mess up my daily routine of waking up and smoking meth all day.

I didn’t tell Kurt. And I didn’t stop smoking. I wrapped the positive pregnancy test in a thick wad of tissue and threw it in the trash. I tried to pretend like nothing had changed, that I wasn’t pregnant. I was in complete denial, and I didn’t know what to do.

I never went to the doctor, never had any ultrasounds. I was undecided throughout the entire pregnancy if I was actually going to keep the baby. I would try to go a day without smoking to see if I could do it, to see if I could be a mother. But I rarely made it longer than a few hours before I would break down and smoke again.

I vacillated between taking prenatal vitamins (which I hid from Kurt) and making plans for a baby room, to looking up nearby abortion clinics online. I was undecided on what to do right up to birth.

Keep reading to find out what happened when my baby was born.